Big meeting today, no sleep last night

Okay no sleep is a little strong I got a solid 4 hours.

Today I have a meeting with senior management at my company which will either result in me getting paid more money, or moving back to Manitoba to move back in with my parents. In the end it just costs way more to live here than I had anticipated and I've been drawing out of my savings and going into debt in order to pay my bills. I have worked really hard at getting better after being off work for 2 years with illness and have been walking a tight rope of living a high enough quality of life to stay health and paying for it.

I'm against this whole occupy Wall Street thing but its hard to understand how a person can have a full time job which is well above minimum wage and still not be able to pay their bills. I should also note that I don't have children or a car, so it's not like I live extravagantly. I do live alone, but shouldn't a full time job allow you to do that?

I don't know maybe I'm spoiled. But I need to pay off my debt and I'm not sure I see another way.

Goal of the Week

As usual lets start with last week's goal. I wanted to finish chapter 4 of my course. I did in fact finish chapter 4, what I didn't realize though is that the whole course is due at the end of April and I'm only halfway through. There is no way I'm going to finish. And so I have to purchase an extension.

I actually don't have a goal of the week for this week, except just to survive. There is so much going on at work that I can barely survive. I just come home and cry every night. I'm really considering packing up and moving home. I'm living in a constant state of anxiety and it's really wearing me out. So long story short, no goal this week.

Paralyzed with Fear

Maybe it's fate or kismet or the universe trying to tell me something, I just wish I could figure out exactly what that is. Just as I'm planning returning to work after my sick leave the job of my dreams opens up. In fact this job is the one that I said I wanted in my high school yearbook.

But I'm not sure what to do. In the past when I've applied for jobs and not gotten interviews I got upset. But when I have gotten interviews and don't get the job I'm even more upset. I wish there was some way for me to only apply for jobs that I'm going to get. I also don't quite know what to do about references. It's always a bit of an issue when you're in a position and applying elsewhere, do you ask the boss and risk pissing him (or her) off or do you try to find an older reference hoping that they will at least give you a glowing recommendation.

Anyway the details of the job go like this:

• Small-ish town, which is totally perfect for me since I hate living in the city
• perfect fit for my education and training, even if the advertisement says Master's preferred
• 2 year term, so I'm not going to feel like I'm stuck if I don't like it and it ends with just the right amount of time off before I'd head off to grad school
• Much better salary range than I currently make, but then again I'm over qualified for the job that I have.