Milestones

I think every woman at one point or another is involved with someone that they probably know they need to walk away from. It just took me a really long time to finally sever that relationship, but I managed to do it.

1 month and 8 days ago... yes I'm still keeping track. One of my co-workers tells me I need to stop but I think there are a number of significant landmarks that I need to pass before I can finally say that I will never ever speak to this person again.

1. One week - Check!
2. One month - Check!
3. Three months - April 20, 2012
4. The Month of August (because both he and I have birthdays that month and I will be tempted to wish him a happy birthday)
5. The beginning of football season
6. One year - January 20, 2013

Once I've gotten past those I can pretty much guarantee that this person will be out of my life forever. Sure I might look back on it once in a while, but not with any sort of fondness.

My boyfriend is so amazing

I know it's been a while. So I'm sorry for that. But it's time to start posting again.

First of all my boyfriend and I just celebrated our 6 month anniversary last month. It was nice to have him there for the occasion. Secondly it's my birthday in 2 days, so he sent me a card (and a letter) in the mail because he forgot to bring it with him. Before I tell you what the card said let me also tell you that until I got home from work yesterday and had a 2 hours video chat with him I was about 80% sure that our relationship (or at least the romantic part) was over.

But the minute I read this card I started crying. I know it was just a Hallmark card, but I also know that it echoed a lot of the things that he tells me or has told me in the past. So here's what the card said.

Everyday, I write you love letters in my mind.
But for some reason, when I'm with you,
 I can't seem to find the right words to tell you what's in my heart.
I think of you every single day and discover something about you that makes me love you even more.
But when you're together, I get caught up in the moment and I forget everything I've wanted to tell you.
But on your birthday, I want you to know that even though sometimes the words fail me -
in my heart I write you love letters everyday.
Happy Birthday.

Then of course he added his own little personal note about how much he loves me and that he'll be thinking about me on my birthday.

As it stands, relationship wise, there are still some things that he and I need to work out. But we had a long talk last night and I think we're on a good path now.

Time to finish a post

I just looked at my list of posts and found 4 unfinished drafts that I've started in the last 2 weeks. I thought I was about time that I sit down and finish one. In addition to those that I've actually started writing there have been about 3 times where I have started mentally drafting a post but haven't been at or near a computer.

So what to talk about? Well first of all that lotto ticket I mentioned... not a winner. Secondly work has been nearly unbearable lately. Third, I think I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world. Okay let's talk about that one a bit.

My boyfriend is awesome, but lately unbeknown to him (although it will be now since I know he reads this) I haven't been exactly fair to him. I don't know if all women compare their current boyfriends to past relationships, and I don't know if that will ever stop but I hope so. Because anytime anything happens with my current bf, let's call him Micheal (pseudonyms are fun) I compare it to my last boyfriend (or kinda boyfriend or whatever the hell it was). and I don't think that's fair to Micheal.

See the thing is I'm still friends with my kinda ex. Well not even friends. It's really hard to describe our current relationship, much like it was difficult to define our previous relationship. There is still a lot of flirty comments being bandied about. And I know I really ought to put the kibosh on things in that respect but to be honest he and I started flirting about 5 minutes into our first conversation and never really stopped. Except for those brief occasions when we didn't talk at all. And honestly if it's a choice between a little harmless flirting and not talking to him at all I'll take the flirting, because he's become one of my best friends.

I know I'm not technically doing anything wrong, but it still feels wrong and maybe that should be enough for me to decide to make a change. I don't know. I am just so scared of losing either of them. Any thoughts from the readers about how I should proceed?

A Romantic Weekend

It's been quite the past couple of weeks. New furniture. Friend potentially coming to visit,  then same friend not coming to visit, then deciding to come after all.

In the end I'm quite happy that he did come. We had a wonderful weekend full of exciting adventures. Unfortunately because we weren't sure if he was coming some of our original plans didn't work out. But we had a really nice time anyway.

Thursday night was the first time I had met him in person. I was very nervous waiting for him. But it turned out alright in the end. Thursday night we just hung out. Then on Friday after he walked me to work, I had to work a half day, then he picked me up at my office and I gave him the grand tour and he got to meet my co-workers. Then we went to my place.

We spent a little bit of time setting up some of my furniture. Then went for an early dinner/late lunch at East Side Marios and toured the mall. I had to take him to Tim Horton's since he had never been. Then back to my place to finish putting together the table and chairs and watch the NHL Allstar Draft.

Saturday we went to the local university and did a quick wander through. We took a beautiful picture of us in our snow gear, but it turned out he had set the camera to video mode. Then we checked out the free food samples at the organic food conference that was going on there this weekend. Then we went to the mall so that I could buy some shoes for a romantic dinner we had planned.

Then we headed downtown where we walked around little shops and such, nothing compared to the Forks. Then off to church. We went to this really old, really beautiful Catholic church. And just barely made it to the restaurant in time for our reservation. We had a 3 course fondue dinner. It was wonderful.

And then Sunday we had a very relaxed day and just tried to enjoy our last day together.  And he asked me to be his girlfriend. It was a good day but also a sad day.

What a week

Honestly this has been a crazy week. Work has been busy, so busy that I've barely felt like I had time to breathe. So busy that even though it's Sunday I have to get some work done. I'm not really sure about my job. Am I doing a goo enough job? I'm working hard for the 7 1/2 hrs I'm there per day, but maybe I'm not working on the right stuff or maybe there is a better way of doing things. Either way I'm feeling overwhelmed but the amount of work that's being thrown at me and how much I'm not managing to get done during the work week.

On Tuesday I found out that my friend --- okay more than friend, let's say almost boyfriend, who was set to visit in 2 weeks won't be coming. There are some family things that he needs to take care of. So we're in a period of postponement. I just hope that it doesn't turn into cancellation.  So that's been very stressful and disappointing. I kind of feel like I've just barely been keeping it together because I knew that he was coming and things would start to get better after that. Now I'm not so sure.

Yesterday I went shopping for the last of my furniture. I needed a chair and a kitchen table. Well I found them, at Walmart, but since we didn't have a truck I need to go back another day and pick them up. I also found a bedroom suite. I had originally intended to only pick up a dresser and maybe a night stand but this was a good deal and it was really nice. So it's being delivered next Saturday.

And my couch and bed should be arriving today. Which is good because I accidentally left my laptop on my blowup mattress yesterday while I was out and came back to find the whole thing deflated. I guess the heat melted it or something. So I'll have to buy a new blow up bed before my parents arrive in 3 weeks.

Sometimes you've just got to let go

A wise woman once said:

"Don't talk to him. I know it hurts now, but could you ever truly be friend, or would you just always hope for something more. I've done the friend route lots. It never works out. Just my two cents."

If only I had heeded her advice at the time I probably wouldn't feel the way I do now. She was right the friends thing just didn't work out. Not because I was hoping for something more, I got over that but because as we moved on with our lives I realized that he wasn't the amazing guy I thought he was. Turns out he's kind of a jerk. And so it was time to cut him loose. It still hurts and I feel pretty terrible right now. But I know deep down it was the right thing to do.

Why you should never date an American

Did you guys see that World Junior's game last night? Totally awesome! The goaltending performance on both ends of the ice was amazing.

But it did cause some relationship tensions. See my almost-boyfriend lives in the Southern U.S. so of course he was cheering for the red, white and blue. We even made a little friendly bet. Loser has to buy a bottle of wine for our big romantic dinner at the end of January. I was trying really really hard not to gloat when Canada went up 2-0, then 3-0, then 4-1 and then we gave them the mercy goal.

Hope those American boys enjoy playing for bronze. And the Canada-Russia game should be amazing. Everyone brings their A-game to play Canada.

More Things are Falling Into Place

Wowie. The last couple of months have been everything that I could have asked for. New job when I was just barely looking, place to stay while I looked for an apartment, an amazing guy in my life who is planning a visit in just over a month, and now I have an apartment to call my own.

Well technically I don't get possession until the 7th but still it's pretty much everything I had hoped for. Close to work? check. Walking distance to shopping? Check. Allows pets? Check. Also it has air conditioning, a balcony, an indoor pool, a weight room and laundry facilities in the building.

It's a little pricier than I had originally intended. But I can live without a car for a while. And since heat and electricity are included I only really have to worry about TV & internet and food of course. Now to furnish it.

It's been a while

Yeah, I know it's been a long time since I've posted anything. There has just been a lot going on with me lately and I haven't been able to put it into words.

First of all I lost my job. It was kind of a big shock and I felt like a horrible failure. But now I've been able to see a bit of a light at the end of the tunnel. I've done my grieving and now it's time to move on to bigger and better things right?

I'd like to thank a very special person in my life for helping me through all of this. I can't even describe how much I appreciate all of the support he's given me over the last couple of weeks. It's really shown me how much he cares about me, and well I feel the same about him. So that's kind of the other big news. And while I'm not quite ready to call him my boyfriend I think I'm getting pretty close.

So that's the current update. I'll try to stay more current, I promise.

Trip Planning Take 2

I think I've found myself the perfect travel companion, now I just have to figure out where to go.

I'll address the first part first. So back in April I met these a few people through a chatroom. One of whom you've already heard quite a bit about as our relationship has progressed through friend and more than friend to basically to mere acquaintance status and everything in between. The other I've mentioned briefly here (don't worry I'm sure you'll be hearing more about him in the future as well). As we talk more I feel like we're becoming closer and closer each day. And we've discussed things like places we've always wanted to visit. Turns out we enjoy many of the same things so finding something to do that we would both enjoy is really no problem.

Some of the places we've talked about going are Denver (roughly half the distance between the two of us), Boston, Nova Scotia, and Portland or Seattle. I've already looked into Nova Scotia a bit for myself, as you might remember. And today I took a look at Boston. After reviewing the tourism website, I have to say I want to go even more now.

Now all I have to do is convince my parents that this guy is on the level (which given how they reacted to the previous situation might be difficult) and that it's safe for me to travel with him.

You've got to be kidding me

No sooner does a whole online relationship end and I finally feel like I'm over it when a new guy appears on the scene. Okay that's not an entirely true statement. He just wasn't on my romantic radar until recently. But as we get to know each other better I feel more and more like this is someone that I could share my life with.

As for the other guy? Well we're still talking but I'm pretty sure KEG is right, we're not going to be friends. He says he never lost the romantic feelings for me because his other thing ended so quickly. But my heart is saying "you just can't trust him", while my head is saying "everyone deserves a second chance".

How do you choose? Not surprisingly I've never been in the position where I've had to before. I don't want to hurt either of them but making a choice leads to that very thing. At least it does if they like me as much as they say they do.

The Wisdom of a Country Song

People give me a lot of crap about being into country music with the whole "my wife left me, my car broke down and my dog hates me stuff", but given the recent love life situation I've found that country music covers pretty much every emotion you could possibly have.

There are two songs in particular that are really hitting me these days. Both of them are by George Strait. One of them has been on my iPod forever the other one I pretty much forgot about until recently.

The first one is "You can't make a heart love somebody". This has been one of my favorite songs since the first time I heard it. I still remember exactly where I was, what I was doing and who I was with when I first heard it and it's stuck with me ever since. I actually remember crying when I heard it for the first time.

The other is "I know she still loves me", which if you listen to the song isn't exactly how the situation went down but as time goes on I think this is kind of how I feel. Yes I still care, but in someways I don't even have the urge to talk to him anymore. Possibly a sign that I'm ready to move on. Or a sign that I'm going back into Janalee Robot mode in which I don't really feel anything about anything.

Are there any songs out there that really speak to you? Has listening to a specific song ever gotten you through a tough spot?

A week later

Things just seem to keep getting more complicated. A week after this happened I'm still struggling with what to do.

A brilliant woman told me to quit talking to him and I think that's where I'm at. I took some time and tried to discuss with him how we were going to carry on as friends without all of that other stuff getting in the way. There was no satisfactory solution but to hope that over time it wouldn't hurt so much. Well almost a week later it still really hurt. And frankly the last thing I need in my life right now is more hurt. So I reached the conclusion that while it would be hard I would suck it up, take KEG's advice and stop talking to him.

So I tried to tell him that. It didn't go well. First of all it hurt like hell. I mean to go from spending hours a day together to none at all was just a terrible thought. But I rationalized it by saying to myself that the only way for both of us to truly move on was to make a clean break. For some reason he got angry with me. He told me to take some time to figure out what I wanted, and then when I told him he got mad. So mad in fact that he said some really, really terrible hurtful things to me.

He later apologized for these things and told me he spoke out of anger and pretty much begged me not to cut him out of my life completely. I told him I'd think about it and he agreed to give me as much time and space as I needed. The problem is now I'm just not sure that he really is the guy I thought he was. I can understand that he was upset but what he said was totally uncalled for. At this point if he's waiting to hear from me it's looking like it might be a long time, and might be a simple FU. Yes I realize that's not real grown up but I'm not so sure that he even deserves a grown up reaction from me.

The end to the relationship that wasn't

I'm sure some of you have been wondering about my love life since I wrote this post about a month ago. Well here's the story.

I met this guy online (hey we're in the digital age I won't feel bad for meeting people online!) about 4 months ago and we've been talking everyday ever since. Usually for several hours a day. But sadly he's 19.5 hours away by car. About 3.5 by plane. From the beginning I think we knew that distance was going to be an issue, but in a world of Skype and webcams and long distance relationships it was possible that maybe it could work out. Well it didn't. As much as we always wished we could be together physically to kiss or hug or cuddle it just wasn't practical.

Even when we talked about visiting each other there was always a problem. And neither of us is exactly rolling in cash. So I guess it just wasn't meant to be. So we had the where do we stand talk and settled on friends. The problem is it's hard to talk to him now because all of those romantic notions I had about him are still in my head.

But it's even harder now as I'm finding out there are things he didn't tell me because he didn't want to hurt me. Like that he's been dating. We had talked about how we were going to deal with the issue of dating other people because we weren't together and we live so far apart. And I said I wanted to know. He was always reluctant and didn't want to tell me unless things got serious but I needed to know so that I could properly prepare myself for what was to come. So he agreed. Or at least he agreed in theory, apparently in practice he felt the need to protect me.

So yeah we're done. It's been a couple days now and it's still a little rough. But I'm not quite ready to cut him out of my life completely. I know he cares about me, and I care about him. So it's hard to just say so long. But right now I'm so pissed at him that I don't even want to talk to him. Am I out of line? Am I over reacting to his lie by ommission? Have you tried the long distance thing?

Edit: After reviewing the transcripts (of course I save these things) it turns out it was an actual explicit lie and not a lie by ommission. Which makes it a little worse.