You know you have a problem when...

Alright for those of you who haven't been following all the off-season Jay Cutler drama (or who don't really get sports) let me boil it down into normal work terms.

Imagine that you are doing a job and then you find out that your company went to other companies in the industry to find someone who does the same thing as you do and tried to hire them without telling you. You'd be a little pissed right? But eventually you'd get over it and all would be well. Or you'd try to find somewhere else to work. OR you'd covertly try to screw your company and undermine your boss while continuing to collect a pay cheque and explore other options.

That's pretty much what's going on here. Except instead of handling the situation like a mature adult Cutler has decided to go the whiny child route. And instead of being disgusted by his lack of maturity I find it somewhat endearing. What does that say about me?

Dream Diary Episode 8: Another what the hell moment

As you know from all of the previous dream diary posts I've done I have some screwed up dreams.

Last night I dreamed that I was curling, which I haven't done since I was in high school and even then not very well. This is easily explained by the fact that I've been watching 2 matches a day. It's the National Women's Championships this week for those of you who didn't know.

The second one involved a guy that I work with where we had a moment in an elevator or something and then when I asked if we needed to talk about it he said he didn't have time to talk about it. I'm not even sure what that says about me, that even in my dreams guys don't want to start relationships with me. I can't say I blame them though, I'm totally scattered.

Think Happy Thoughts

I can just see this going wrong. I don't think anyone who reads this would be shocked that I have had more than one office crush at my current job. I've been here almost 2 years these things are bound to happen. But today I have to work with my very first office crush ever. You know that scene in Love, Actually where the boss calls the woman into the office and asks her how long she's been in love with the toque designer and it's like since the day she started? Yup that's pretty much how it is.

So you can see how this might be a little bit weird. Of course if I think it's going to be awkward then it definitely will be awkward so I just have to keep thinking happy thoughts.

Edit: you know what the easiest way to deal with above awkwardness is? Don't work with them. It's probably a long story that I shouldn't bother getting into.

Misery

I hope it's just a seriously bad case of the winter blues and that it's not a sign of something else, but I can't help but be unhappy these days. I don't really think it's just the weather. Since people who have just returned from vacation are equally miserable.

It's funny I was always told that there is always someone worse off than you and that you should be happy with the things that you have and not worry about what everyone else has. It seems like the only way to stop being miserable about what everyone else has and get the same things is to go against my better judgement and do all the things that would make me miserable.

I have a constant struggle with myself to reconcile the way that the world is with the way that the world should be. I don't think that people should get ahead in this world because they know someone who can help them get ahead. I have trouble understanding a world where 25 year olds are still living at home with their parents. I don't believe it is the place of management to determine whether you should be offered other positions in your company. I don't think that any of these beliefs are entirely out of line and yet they are all contrary to what happens in the world.

The saying goes life isn't fair, but beyond that life is morally bankrupt (in so much as an inanimate object or idea can have morals).

Dream Diary Episode 5: I hope I never have that dream again

Last night I had not one but two dreams about work. The first one was not so much about work but two of the guys I work with. I don't even remember all of the details I just remember waking up and going "what the hell was that?"

Explanation:This one is pretty easy to explain since a couple of days ago at coffee break we were discussing that I never checked out any of the guys that I hang out with at work. One of them then accused me of being a lesbian. Which if you read this blog you'd quickly find out I'm not. Then someone mentioned that me and one of the other guys would be "perfect for each other". So clearly my mind was trying to determine what would happen if we actually did get together. Damn logical brain. Let's just hope this isn't a recurring dream because that might actually mean something.

The second one was actually related to a job that I recently applied for but am now considering not interviewing for. Let's just say that the dream showed me what would happen given the most likely outcome of the interview process.

Explanation: Again pretty self explanatory. I fear change. At the same time I'm always looking for a change. So this was my subconscious saying perhaps you'd better re-think this career change thing.

What's a girl to do

I'm so confused. I went from excited to scared to worried in a matter of about 15 minutes.

Every couple of weeks I get the idea that perhaps it's time to take myself out of the corporate world and wander back into academia. I've now been out of school for about a year and a half and I've saved up a little actually a very little bit of money but enough to pay for one semester of my Master's degree anyway. After that I'm sure I can get funding for the rest of it. Anyway, I had convinced myself that it was too late to apply for next September as one my top choice has a December deadline for fall admission, but then I found out that some of the other schools I'm considering have deadlines as late as June.

So my first issue is to school or not to school. There's the whole "what would a Master's degree do for me?" thing. Sure it's something that I want to do but do the benefits of doing it now outweigh the costs of quitting my job and leaving all the friends I've made at work. At the same time perhaps this isn't a big deal. Not that it wouldn't make me sad but in reality I'm probably going to have to move on from here anyway.

So the second issue then is am I just looking for an escape from my current position. I think the answer to this one is a resounding yes. Last week I was ready to quit and seek training for a medical profession. This week I'm looking at continuing on my current career path that I also give up on every other week.

Oddly enough, even though I'm not looking to do anything for almost a year I really have to move fast to get stuff done. There is the testing, and the gathering of references and the transcript ordering. It's a mess.

I just don't know if it's the right time yet.

Not only am I a bad hockey fan I'm also a terrible person

I apparently have become and embittered old hag. At least 4 times in the last day I have used some combination of the following phrase to preface saying something truly terrible about good people:

"Okay this is going to sound horrible but..."
"don't get me wrong..."
"I'm going to be a horrible friend for saying this..."

How does someone at my age become so grouchy? I've really got to smarten up or I'm going to die bitter and alone. Well I'm already 2/3, I just hope that the dying doesn't happen for a while. Oh right I also said "well I can't be your friend anymore", but that was totally in jest and was understood as such.

No but seriously I think it's just exhaustion and frustration at the whole work situation. Tomorrow I will be doing 3 jobs because no one else knows how to do them. Which quite frankly is kind of sad given that I'm leaving my department in just over 2 weeks and that I've only been there for 8 months. It also makes you wonder what all of the permanent staff have been doing all these years. Granted it's holiday season but still. Additionally I'm not really seeing any hope for vertical movement from my current post but I'm not quite ready to jump to the next car on the career train just yet. So probably there will be much more complaining to come. I'll apologize in advance.

Living by myself can't be good for me.

As most of you know I have been roommate-less since March. Not only has this not been good for my pocketbook but it's starting to effect other part of my life. I've always been of the opinion that talking to yourself is necessarily a bad thing. Occasionally when I face a difficult problem I just need to talk it out. I used to just mumble under my breath and not really think much of it. No one heard and no one cared.

Lately I've been talking stuff out in my apartment at normal talking volume. This isn't so bad as still no one can hear me. But yesterday I caught myself doing it on the street while I was walking home. Additionally I've started saying things out loud that are best left in the deep recesses of my mind and not put out there for the general public.

The worst is when I do it at work. It's not good.

Dream Diary: Episode 2

I don't have dreams very often and I remember them even less frequently However last night I had 2 really messed up dreams. The first one was really weird and makes no sense. The second one makes even less sense from a logical standpoint.

The first one started off kind of strange I was standing outside of a church but like on a balcony/fire escape sort of thing and there was some sort of soccer match sort of thing between Poland and Ireland. Because of course these are two countries that are known for their soccer prowess. Actually maybe they are I don't know. I don't actually do soccer. Though I suppose that is comes from having watched the Man U - Chelsea match last week. Yes, I'm aware I'm insane and that I don't actually like soccer. And a semi-riot broke out. Anyway so I dropped a hymn book from the top of this fire escape and some of the pages broke out. You know like when you open a book with really old glue binding and that pages fall out? Did this have any significance to the rest of the dream? not that I can tell but it's something I remember. Anyway so then suddenly I'm doing something slightly illegal, I couldn't tell you what exactly. It was some sort of theft or espionage or something. Now let me start by saying that I would never do anything illegal or sneaky as I would most definitely be afraid of getting caught and for some people that's a rush, for me it's so much anxiety that I couldn't go through with it. Anyway I know I was being helped in my illegal pursuit by some sort of really hot maintenance workers, a construction worker or something like that I don't believe that those details were particularly clear in the dream just that he was all muscle-y and sweaty and hot. Anyway at one point he was helping me with my illicit activity and then we were having a serious sit down conversation about how he couldn't help me anymore but had justified helping be because he saw me outside of that church (the one from the beginning) and thought I was all innocent.

The second one was kind of Chronicles of Narnia in that it involved another world on the other side of a closet. I guess it's not all that far fetched but it on the other side of the closet there were 2 bulls that I wasn't supposed to let get onto the other side of the closet (into the real world). One of them did get into a sub-closet type thing where there was the actual closet, but covering the opening to the actual closet was tarped off. Then my alarm went off so I have no idea what would have happened.

As you can see there is no natural order to these dreams at all and in fact they are ridiculous. I remember details that seem to have absolutely nothing to do with anything. Someday I'd like to submit these things to someone who actually knows something about dreams. Until then I'll continue to keep you updated on the random crap that comes out of my sub-conscious.