So it's all muscle stiffness

I have been feeling absolutely terrible the past couple of weeks. So bad in fact that on a number of occasions I have been close to packing up all of my stuff and moving back home. I've had headaches everyday for weeks. I've had to leave work on a number of occasions. I've gone for massages and they've helped a little but never really managed to break the cycle. I even talked to the head of my company (it's a small company), and told him that I may need to take some time off for medical reasons.

But today I decided to go and sit in the sauna in my building for a half hour and hope that I would be able to sweat out some toxins or something and start to feel a little better. And wow did it ever work. I'm not going to say that I'm 100% better because I'm not, there are definitely some other things going on. But today is the first time in a long time that I felt like I actually had energy to do things. I even did a few reps on the weight machine.

My absence

My blog has been sorely neglected lately. I apologize. Work has been crazy. Add on top of that a wicked head cold that has had me laid up in bed for the last 4 days and well it hasn't left a lot of time for blogging. Nor has my life been particularly interesting of late.

I DID go back to Winnipeg last weekend though. I can't believe it was only a week ago. It was fantastic to see my family. I didn't realize how much I had missed them.

I will try to keep you more up to date. I promise.

God that feels good

Alright it's time to step out of sick mode now. Time to get back to real life. That means trying to find joy in all of the things that I used to or at least finding new activities that I enjoy doing.

I started yesterday by sitting down to watch some football. Due to a number of different reasons I haven't had nearly as much time to watch as I used to. Today I decided to check out some political blogs, which I haven't done in ages. It felt really good to reconnect with the that nerdy side of myself.

What are some of the things that you enjoy doing that you just haven't had time for lately?

Fantasy Football Season is Back

Last year's fantasy football season was kind of a bust for me. I spent about 5 weeks of it hospitalized and unable to participate fully. As a result I finished second last (the last place guy just quit). Anyway I had kind of thought since I wasn't really able to put out my best effort and it was getting close to the beginning of the season that I wouldn't be invited back this year.

But I got my invite yesterday and set up my team. Last year I named my team "Off Constantly" which was my brother's suggestion. And since my team was terrible I'm sure more than one of my league mates said "I beat Off Constantly this weekend". See how that's funny?

This year my team name is more topical. I went with "Favre's Sexy Texts" based on this Deadspin story. Also see this video tribute to the situation.

Can't wait for the draft to see who I get. Happy Football everybody.

Well at least I'm looking well these days

Over the last couple of weeks I've run into several people who I would have called co-workers if not for the fact that I've been on an extended sick leave. I don't even quite know what to call them.

Anyway I guess it's not a big mystery that I'm not working there at the moment but most of them have asked where I'm working now, which concerns me because I don't know if they just assume that I've left the company or if they've been told that I'm not going to be returning. But that's not something to worry about at the moment. For now I'm just going to focus on the fact that they've said I'm looking well.

There may be several reasons for my looking better (probably more relaxed than anything else) these days. First of all I've been off work for over a year. When you don't have the stress of having to deal with work everyday. You know that look that people have when they come back from 2 weeks vacation? Well multiply that by 26. The second thing is the drugs, once you're on the right combination of things to help deal with your illness you start to feel a lot better and that probably comes out in your actions and mannerisms. The third contributing factor is probably the new man in my life. You know how people in love just have this glow about them, well I don't think we're at that point but there is some definite like going on. Things aren't exactly perfect in this respect, we're still trying to work some things out, but as he reminds me all the time we'll figure it out. But if someone were to make a movie about my life he'd definitely be the love interest.

So yeah there are probably some good reasons I'm looking better these days, even if I don't feel it all the time. Now I just need to gradually add some very mild stressors to my life to try and get things back on track.

Construction, Construction, Oil Spill, Parking Ticket

Today has been a bad day for me and driving. Luckily no actual injury to the car but some definite frustration.

First of all this morning I decided I'd go to the mall to pick up some casual clothes at Old Navy. I like Old Navy because there stuff is comfortable. I got stuck in a construction zone for almost half an hour. That sucked. Then on the way back even more construction.

Then I had a nice hour and a half break to watch soccer , before I had to drive to the hospital for a treatment. A stretch of my usual path to the hospital was closed due to an oil spill so I had to detour. The traffic was so incredibly heavy on the detour that I was very nearly late for my treatment so I parked in the first available spot with an open meter, paid and ran inside. Sadly this spot was handicapped parking only but I was in such a rush and distraught from the terrible drive I didn't read the sign properly. So now I've got a $150 fine to pay.

So next time I take the bus.

Stepping back into the real world

Part of my illness (and probably most illnesses for that matter) is the desire to withdraw from life. I've done a fair bit of this over the past year. Sure I've been going to all my treatments and I still go to Tim Horton's regularly so I'm not a total shut in, but I have kind of made a point of not making plans with people.

This has had two different consequences, the first is that I don't really know what's going on with all of the people who had been a part of my life until I got sick. It also showed who would actually miss me if I was no longer a part of their lives. Those people who haven't even bothered to send an e-mail or facebook message in the last year.

But this post is supposed to be about my efforts to reconnect with some of those people before I really attempt to get my whole life back in order. I've chosen to start with the people who I feel will be most supportive of my efforts. At the same time I don't want people that I'm not quite ready to see to feel that I'm ignoring them or something. That's not the point. It's simply that some people are aware of what I'm going through because I've been able to tell them at least a little bit about what's going on.

Yes it's a small step. But it's a step.

In search of a success story

All through my illness doctors and other medical professionals have been telling me about how recovery is possible and how many people go on to live long, healthy and successful lives afterwards. I need to find these people and figure out how they do it.

I had this fear when I went on sick leave that it was going to ruin my career. Don't worry the doctor's said they can't fire you for being sick. This is true but they can make it awfully difficult to come back, or to find another job. It really makes me think that it's about time to take that leap and move in a completely different direction, since the path that I'm on doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

I just need to find some uplifting stories of people who have been able to get their lives back on track. Just to prove that it can be done.

the scary thing about the internet

Even though there are all sorts of wonderful things about the internet I find it scary how much of it is accessible to everyone. I'm never really sure what could be used against me in the future. I mean things like Facebook which was developed with the intention of connecting people can be used by future and sometimes even current employers to determine an employees character outside of work.

What I'm thinking of now is actually about my illness. I've been struggling with it for a long time and being able to talk about it openly might help someone in the future who is dealing with the same thing. But I'm too afraid to talk about it here on my blog because someone might find it and it might prevent me from living the life that I may want to lead in the future.

more blogcation

Well I made it back from Regina in one piece. A very tired piece but still together. As for my health well that's not going so well right now. I was pretty good through our whole trip but since I've been back it's been pretty crappy.

Anyway I think I'm going to take a break from blogging for a while. Just until things settle down a bit.

Just trying to keep it together

I just don't know what's wrong with me. No actually that's not true I have a diagnosis so I know exactly what's wrong with me. What I don't know is why I feel so bad. A week ago I was on top of the world, now I want to go jump in front of a moving vehicle.

Actually I saw a bad car accident today or the wreckage at least. A van had into the back end of a semi-trailer. Scary looking stuff though my brother figures that only a couple of legs were broken based on the condition we saw the cars in.

I guess I just have to focus on one day at a time and hope things work back.

Every day it gets a little bit easier

I was a little bit skeptical about starting these new treatments but I think they're helping. I'm starting to feel somewhat normal again. I'm getting excited for football season and the U.S. Open tennis and even hockey season.

A couple of days ago I saw people from my work on the bus and I didn't quite know what to say. I wasn't sure how much they already knew and I didn't want to give out more information than I needed to. So I just didn't say anything. Today I saw someone else that I work with on the bus and I even got up and moved closer. It was good that it was someone that I'm really comfortable with and who kind of knew what was going on without me really having to tell her and she seemed genuinely excited to see me too.

So yeah some day I might be able to transfer buses infront of my work and not feel like I'm about to bawl. And that will be the first sign that maybe I can think about going back. Until then I'll just continue to take it one day at a time.

The Mid Summer update.

I know it's been a while since my last post but a couple of things have been happening. First is the still unresolved computer issue. The second is that I've started a new treatment for my illness so I have to go to the hospital every day. Don't worry though it's just until things stabilize a little bit. But anyway that's why I haven't been around much.

I have been reading up a storm though. I've been thinking that maybe I should start a book club. It was be more of a social activity than I'm used to and I DO love to read. Anyone interested?

It's so boring at home

In case you've missed it the first several times I mentioned it I've been off work since the end of May. The first month flew by but July seems to be going on forever. I'm hopefully going to start a day program in August which will at least keep me busy and hopefully help me with some of the stress issues that I've been dealing with.

But for now I'm bored. I used to think that I wanted to work until I had enough money to retire and then just sit around and read books all day but even that has lost it's appeal. I've been doing alot of knitting lately but even that's boring. I guess I'm going to have to take up some other hobby.

The Update

Alright there has been a lot of stuff going on recently so I'm just going to try to throw everything into this one post.

• On the illness front I'm still off work. I'm hoping to return late this summer or early fall but we'll see what the doctor says.
• My laptop is broken. Well not completely broken but it's randomly shutting down for no reason and I haven't been able to get it down to the shop for repairs yet. It's only started doing this since we got back from our trip.
• I currently have 3 books on the go. That's reading not writing. One is the next Diana Gabaldon book from the Outlander series. One is a history of Scotland and one is a romance novel that I borrowed from the library.
• I got a new cat. and by new I mean new like I got him today new. The Humane Society had a sale on cats and since I wanted a new one anyway this seemed like the perfect opportunity. I've named him Davey Crockcat. Yes I'm just that geeky.

The Story of Cheap Chinese food

I don't even like Chinese food but I do sometimes feel compelled to eat it. I actually do like fried rice and chow mien but most of the meat is off limits. But today in the interest of being social and lazy I decided to partake in cheap, food court Chinese food with a friend. What a stupid idea.

First of all I only ate about half of it at lunch and saved the rest for later. Of course I had the brilliant idea to stick it in my purse. Lucky for me it didn't spill or anything but my purse does smell like cheap Chinese food.

I ate the rest of it at my desk later this afternoon. Which also seemed like a good idea at the time. But now my stomach is punishing me. So I'm probably off Chinese, even good Chinese for at least 6 months.

It's been a while

I haven't updated in a while. I just haven't really had a whole lot to say. I've got a terrible head cold this week so all of my thoughts are consumed with being ill. I even took Tuesday off work which seemed like a good idea on Wednesday when I felt better but not so great when I felt even worse today.

But besides the sniffling, sneezing and teary eyes there isn't a whole lot going on with me these day.

Dream Diary Episode 6: What the hell was that?

Before I get into the ridiculousness of my dream a little background about where I work. At my company we have a help line. You know like the ones on the candy bar wrappers that you call if you have questions, comments or complaints. I've always admired these people because I've never thought I'd be very good at it. Well for the next 5 weeks I'm going through an occupational familiarization exercise with this people.

This week I'm just listening, for the next two week we're getting details about all of the things that go on at the company. After that we do a week of transcription where we take notes on the calls that we get and then we're on the phones. In all of this time we have mentors to help us with any questions that we might have about the job or the things they do or the things we do at the company as a whole.

So now the dream. I dreamed that my mentor decided that I was ready to actually take calls today and then instead of sitting with me, in case I didn't know how to deal with the call they just took off and left me to answer these questions. Not only that but they were questions about things that don't even exist. And then I started getting sick. Of course I couldn't just hang up on the guy so I was trying to finish the call. Then I really was sick, but I was throwing up clothes. And then my alarm clock went off.

So that was my extremely messed up dream. I really wish I had decided to stay home today. Dreaming about being sick is not a good way to start a Friday morning.

Cake for supper one day? Brilliant. 2 Days is a row? STUPID!

I think that title is self explanatory. It doesn't really help that I had left the two largest pieces of cake for today and ate the smaller one yesterday. It also doesn't help that I didn't feel so hot at the end of the day at work today either. Maybe I just need to sleep it off.

I should mention that this cake is pretty awesome. It's chocolate with chocolate icing and a layer of custard. But seriously if I even see another piece in the next week I'm going to hurl.

Never going to even suggest that I fake sick ever again

So some of you will know (because I have yet to stop talking about it today) that the Russia-Spain Semi-final was yesterday. The day before yesterday I was joking about faking sick so that I could stay home and watch the game because I had a horrible time trying to find a good Internet feed for the first semi. As it turned out I was home to watch the game yesterday but I really was sick and missed large chunks of the game.

Not that I can actually evaluate this but as far as I can tell Spain looked pretty darn good during that game. Now if only they can beat Germany in the final. And now for the fun stuff. I don't know if you guys have noticed but I've kind of become a fan of Fernando Torres. Me and every other female soccer fan who likes tall blondes with chiseled jaws and rock hard abs. Some people have issues with his hair, personally I just want to run my fingers through it.