Milestones

I think every woman at one point or another is involved with someone that they probably know they need to walk away from. It just took me a really long time to finally sever that relationship, but I managed to do it.

1 month and 8 days ago... yes I'm still keeping track. One of my co-workers tells me I need to stop but I think there are a number of significant landmarks that I need to pass before I can finally say that I will never ever speak to this person again.

1. One week - Check!
2. One month - Check!
3. Three months - April 20, 2012
4. The Month of August (because both he and I have birthdays that month and I will be tempted to wish him a happy birthday)
5. The beginning of football season
6. One year - January 20, 2013

Once I've gotten past those I can pretty much guarantee that this person will be out of my life forever. Sure I might look back on it once in a while, but not with any sort of fondness.

So much Hotness

I have a co-worker who is not really into sports so I started to introduce her to the various very fit, attractive athletes in the sports world. We call this "Hottie of the Day".

It seemed like a good idea at the time but now we're 3 weeks in and I'm having trouble both coming up with someone each day and remembering who I've already done. It also doesn't help that I am pretty familiar with most of the hot hockey players, a good number of the football players, I know where to go to get my soccer player fix, but I am extremely fuzzy on basketball and baseball.

Any thoughts? Is this something I should institute for the blog too?

Goal of the Week

As usual lets start with last week's goal. I wanted to finish chapter 4 of my course. I did in fact finish chapter 4, what I didn't realize though is that the whole course is due at the end of April and I'm only halfway through. There is no way I'm going to finish. And so I have to purchase an extension.

I actually don't have a goal of the week for this week, except just to survive. There is so much going on at work that I can barely survive. I just come home and cry every night. I'm really considering packing up and moving home. I'm living in a constant state of anxiety and it's really wearing me out. So long story short, no goal this week.

First week review

Well I've been in my new city, at my new job for a week now and I thought I'd better let all of you know how I'm doing.

First of all I'll talk about the place I'm staying. For an apartment it's HUGE. Very nice and only a 15 minute walk from work. It's also right behind the mall, which has the only Starbucks in the entire city. Yes I have already been thrice! There is also another Cafe not far away that I went to study in today.

I've looked at a few apartments. I plan to look at a few more early this week and then put in a few applications. The only thing is I'm not sure how long I'll be staying, since I've got 3 months probation.

Things at work aren't going that well to be honest. The people are really nice. One of them even invited me to have dinner with her and her family next week. But I'm just not sure that I'm the right person for the job. I guess I have high expectations of myself and thought I could just fit right in, but I guess there is a bit of a learning curve as I get used to what they're looking for from me.

So that's the first week! I'll try to update more frequently now that I'm a little more settled.

Fantasy Football Season is Back

Last year's fantasy football season was kind of a bust for me. I spent about 5 weeks of it hospitalized and unable to participate fully. As a result I finished second last (the last place guy just quit). Anyway I had kind of thought since I wasn't really able to put out my best effort and it was getting close to the beginning of the season that I wouldn't be invited back this year.

But I got my invite yesterday and set up my team. Last year I named my team "Off Constantly" which was my brother's suggestion. And since my team was terrible I'm sure more than one of my league mates said "I beat Off Constantly this weekend". See how that's funny?

This year my team name is more topical. I went with "Favre's Sexy Texts" based on this Deadspin story. Also see this video tribute to the situation.

Can't wait for the draft to see who I get. Happy Football everybody.

Well at least I'm looking well these days

Over the last couple of weeks I've run into several people who I would have called co-workers if not for the fact that I've been on an extended sick leave. I don't even quite know what to call them.

Anyway I guess it's not a big mystery that I'm not working there at the moment but most of them have asked where I'm working now, which concerns me because I don't know if they just assume that I've left the company or if they've been told that I'm not going to be returning. But that's not something to worry about at the moment. For now I'm just going to focus on the fact that they've said I'm looking well.

There may be several reasons for my looking better (probably more relaxed than anything else) these days. First of all I've been off work for over a year. When you don't have the stress of having to deal with work everyday. You know that look that people have when they come back from 2 weeks vacation? Well multiply that by 26. The second thing is the drugs, once you're on the right combination of things to help deal with your illness you start to feel a lot better and that probably comes out in your actions and mannerisms. The third contributing factor is probably the new man in my life. You know how people in love just have this glow about them, well I don't think we're at that point but there is some definite like going on. Things aren't exactly perfect in this respect, we're still trying to work some things out, but as he reminds me all the time we'll figure it out. But if someone were to make a movie about my life he'd definitely be the love interest.

So yeah there are probably some good reasons I'm looking better these days, even if I don't feel it all the time. Now I just need to gradually add some very mild stressors to my life to try and get things back on track.

Every day it gets a little bit easier

I was a little bit skeptical about starting these new treatments but I think they're helping. I'm starting to feel somewhat normal again. I'm getting excited for football season and the U.S. Open tennis and even hockey season.

A couple of days ago I saw people from my work on the bus and I didn't quite know what to say. I wasn't sure how much they already knew and I didn't want to give out more information than I needed to. So I just didn't say anything. Today I saw someone else that I work with on the bus and I even got up and moved closer. It was good that it was someone that I'm really comfortable with and who kind of knew what was going on without me really having to tell her and she seemed genuinely excited to see me too.

So yeah some day I might be able to transfer buses infront of my work and not feel like I'm about to bawl. And that will be the first sign that maybe I can think about going back. Until then I'll just continue to take it one day at a time.

My emotional baggage

I haven't written anything lately because I don't even know where to begin. Not to mention that I'm totally unfocused these days and can't concentrate at all. So let's do a quick run down of things in my life.

Work - I suppose it pays the bills. Actually it's going fairly well. Except for the sabotage. Seriously my paranoia is getting so bad that I actually thought that someone purposely took the papers off my desk yesterday just to get me in trouble. Turns out someone just accidentally took them off my desk but still.

Home - Home is pretty good. I'm still having trouble with the neighbours and I'm not renewing my lease for this coming year so I'm going to have to find somewhere else to live. That's not going so well. I've probably made about 30 phone calls and have gotten about 5 replies. Only one of them would work and they don't have any openings right now.

School - School is on pause for now. I'm seriously considering quitting my job and going back to do my pre-reqs for lab. It's tough to give up the money but it's probably worth it in the end. Well maybe. I'm thinking though that I would probably do part of a Master's degree by distance ed at the same time. I don't know sometimes I think I think about this stuff too much.

Friends - I don't see a whole lot of them these days. Well if you don't count work friends anyway. it was spring break last week and exams and papers are coming due this week. It's hard having a lot of friends in school when you're not.

And there I am. Oh also I've been watching a lot of curling lately mostly because it's on.

Business Ethics

I love the movie Billy Madison, my brother and I have watched it so many times that occasionally we will knock on each others doors just to quote the movie. Yes we are that dorky.
Anyone who has seen this movie knows that the other guy selects "business ethics" as his topic for the final phase of the academic decathlon.

I make this connection because I've been trying to determine if it's unethical to be sending out my resume while I'm at work. It probably is and it's not like I've seen postings that I want to apply for but then I haven't been looking real hard either.

It also reminds me of that episode of the Office where Dwight doesn't want to be a time thief. Seriously if you do not watch this show you really need to. My brother has also suggested that if I'm angry at my co-workers I might try suspending their office supplies in Jell-O (see first season). I'm very, very tempted to try this.

Well at least someone agrees with me

The last couple of days I have been a bit of a Debbie Downer about my work situation. But you know at least I'm not the only one who sees it. It may not be a ringing endorsement of my persistent bitching but, knowing that I'm not alone in my outrage makes me feel just a little bit better about being outraged. 

Anyway I'm sure you're all sick of hearing me complain so instead I'll just offer this picture of Larry Fitzgerald who likely would have been the Superbowl MVP if Arizona would have won instead of just looking hot in a suit. 

My real life as described in movies

So you know that scene in Love, Actually where Hugh Grant is the Prime Minister and he's just met his staff for the first time and he closes the door behind him and says "that's unfortunate"? Well I think I had that moment today. 

I was in a meeting today with my boss's boss's boss along with a group of my co-workers to discuss new corporate strategy so as you can imagine it was a little dry. So I started looking out the glass windows of the meeting room that look out onto the rest of the floor when I see this headless body walk by. Okay not entirely headless but there's this frosted decal about 3/4 of the way up so it seemed like he was headless. Anyways headless body was clearly male and looked pretty good. Until I got out of the meeting and realized who it was. 

Without going into too much detail let's just say it was a bad sign, especially given all of the weird dreams I've been having. Can some body please help me? Maybe something like Chinese water torture or needles in the eye? Partial lobotomy? Full lobotomy? I'll take anything at this point. 

Dream Diary Episode 7: Okay now this is just getting weird

There are a lot of theories out there about the meaning of dreams. Some people believe that they are subconsciously trying to direct you in a certain path. I certainly hope that's not the case. I keep having dreams about a certain co-worker of mine who seems to be a really nice guy but totally not my type. He's not anyone's type. In fact anytime I happen to mention to someone that I'm having these dreams I get a certain reaction from the other person in the form of some sort of retching sound or a disturbed face, or even a laugh.

So last night I dreamed a bunch of things that aren't even true about him. But anyways apparently I was going with my parents to meet his parents (possibly for the first time I'm not entirely sure). But instead I met his 8 siblings (trust me he doesn't have 8 siblings, plus I'm not sure I would want to get involved with someone who comes from such fertile stock). Each kid had their own washing machine (yeah, I don't get it either). And one of his sisters wouldn't leave us alone. It was all very odd.

If anyone has any experience interpreting dreams I could clearly use the help.

Is there such a thing as harmless flirting?

I'm no dating expert. But I was having a discussion with a co-worker yesterday about my office crush situation, which turned into a discussion about some harmless water cooler flirting that happens around here. Which got me thinking is there really such a thing as harmless flirting?

I suspect that if you've got really good self control you could consider it harmless. But really the thing is there is generally some sort of underlying emotion behind it. Just because you're flirting doesn't mean that anything has to come out of it. But if you're not careful it could.

Dream Diary Episode 5: I hope I never have that dream again

Last night I had not one but two dreams about work. The first one was not so much about work but two of the guys I work with. I don't even remember all of the details I just remember waking up and going "what the hell was that?"

Explanation:This one is pretty easy to explain since a couple of days ago at coffee break we were discussing that I never checked out any of the guys that I hang out with at work. One of them then accused me of being a lesbian. Which if you read this blog you'd quickly find out I'm not. Then someone mentioned that me and one of the other guys would be "perfect for each other". So clearly my mind was trying to determine what would happen if we actually did get together. Damn logical brain. Let's just hope this isn't a recurring dream because that might actually mean something.

The second one was actually related to a job that I recently applied for but am now considering not interviewing for. Let's just say that the dream showed me what would happen given the most likely outcome of the interview process.

Explanation: Again pretty self explanatory. I fear change. At the same time I'm always looking for a change. So this was my subconscious saying perhaps you'd better re-think this career change thing.

Things I've Learned from Reading Blogs

The boys at work tend to give me a hard time about my obsession with the blogs. I think the issue actually comes more from the fact that I know things weeks before they do an they're a little jealous. I also mentioned some of the "things you can't unsee" that have come up on some of the blogs I've read.

One of the nice things about blogs is that you can be as involved as you want to be. There are several blogs that I read only for readings sake and have no desire to comment on. One of these is Deadspin. I'm a regular reader but not once in all of the time that I've been reading it (roughly 2 years) have I ever had the desire to "audition" to comment. I do however comment regularly at Ladies... and of course I write my own blog. Outside of the sports world I also enjoy my politics and often visit sites that are part of the Blogging Tories blog roll. I very infrequently comment on some of those blogs. And then there is TechKnitting which I like to find knitting tips for when I'm trying out new patterns and am frustrated when they don't work out.

Phrases I need to find a way to work into everyday conversation:
Attainable Hot - I used to describe Tony Romo as regular people hot, this is a much more articulate way of saying it.
Cutlerfucker - Seriously I did a bit of a spit take when I read that one.
Politicalism - I can't remember where I picked up this one but it's really a violent reaction to an opposing political opinion.

Got a blog you think I should check out? Let me know in the comments

When did that happen?

Okay despite my constant complaining I've discovered today that I actually like my job. Well just a little bit. I think the shift happened when I took over one of our new programs. I think that perhaps management (and my co-workers) are perhaps starting to see that I'm pretty darn competent. Also it seems that the outside world (that is outside our office) like dealing with me. I even had a glowing review from one of my co-workers from another department.

So maybe the issue was never really the work but the way that I was always being beaten down by others in my department. It's funny what a little confidence will do.

Why I don't feel the Need for Charitable Giving

Damn election, it's making me think about things. Also it's time for my company's annual charity campaign where they try to entice us to sign up for payroll deductions to give to charity. There is one guy at work that we tease about his scrooge-like attitude when it comes to stuff like this, but this election has got me coming around a bit to his way of thinking.

See I already give charitable donations through payroll deductions, although you might call it income tax. Now I've taken a public finance course so I understand that somethings are just better off being public goods. Fine, great agreed. But really 1/3 of my annual income (which is not the greatest sum in the first place) goes back to the government to spend as they please. And spend they do. Funny though how if you take away that 1/3 of my income I suddenly have as much disposable income as those considered low income who receive payments from the government to top up their incomes (not to mention live in subsidies housing).

I'm not sure that I'm all for a progressive tax system but even if I was, this clearly is NOT it. Don't get me wrong I definitely donate to charity when I could afford it, but I prefer to choose which ones I donate too. Not be told by the government that my money will be going to support their causes.

Let it slide

Sometimes I think I'm just a little bit too intense for my own good. I had a little chat with one of the guys that I work with today. Normally conversations with the boys at work have some sort of BPA-free reference or they make fun of this one uber-homophobic guy that I work with but occasionally we do have some serious conversations most of these happen more on a one-on-one basis. Anyway we were talking about how I really take things personally.

It's true. This combined with my constant over analysis of situations leads to many of my life problems. So I guess I'm going to try to take more of a let it go approach. I always say I'm going to try this and some how I end up slipping right back into my old patterns.

Today was the Big Reveal

As most of you know by now I have a secret office crush. The fact of the matter is that it's not all that secret but I've not said too much by way of identity to any of my other co-workers. However today I went for lunch with one of my co-workers and we had a nice little discussion about why I'm not willing to tell people that I like them. This of course meant that I had to tell her who it was in order for her to truly understand why I need to keep my mouth shut.

I've always believed that it's better to say what you're feeling than to keep it bottled up. Additionally as soon as I tell someone about my crushes they start to fade (it's a wonderful pattern). So why don't I feel better now that it's all out in the open?

I believe that the first reason is that she didn't seem over enthusiastic about the idea. Not to read too much into it or anything but I can't help but wonder if she doesn't have him kind of marked for herself. It would explain some things. Secondly now I've said it and we've discussed it I realize that there was really no reason for me to believe that he would ever feel anything for me anyway.

I'm actually more worried about the whole thing now that I've talked to her than I was when no one knew anything.

The waiting game

I'm the kind of girl who likes to do things on her own. Always have been. All through high school (and junior high and elementary for that matter) I was the kind of person who wanted to do group work on their own. Partly because I was kind of a loner (oh surprise, surprise) and partly because I thought I could do a better job if I did everything myself than if anyone helped me. Truth be told this actually worked out really well for me in school because well quite frankly I wanted to work harder than most of the other people I went to school with, I had more desire to do well in school. Another reason this worked so well was that the only consequence of my work was my grade.

Now that I'm in the real world that changes. I can no longer be responsible for everything and really my results don't matter. This means that it is necessary to work as part of a team and I think I've adapted well to that. What I haven't adapted well to is the waiting. For example I'm currently waiting for 3 different people to send me 3 different things so that can complete my work. My biggest fear is that they're all going to come at the same time and that I'm going to be absolutely swamped by the volume of work to be completed. I guess that's why they say patience is a virtue.